DMV

Soup Nazis on steroids

people standing in line outside the DMV office

With my birthday in August, my driver’s license was set to expire. I went online to renew it and discovered that I wasn’t eligible to renew it online again. I assumed I renewed it online too many times in a row and needed to actually go into the DMV to have a new picture and eye exam taken. I had too many irons in the fire to deal with stuff like this at the time, but it is what it is, it needed to be done.

I picked a Thursday morning to go in and take care of the renewal because apparently Thursday and Friday mornings are the slowest days and times of the week. I set aside some time on this particular Thursday morning and asked Grok (AI) what time the nearest DMV opened. It told me 8:30am, and I arrived a few minutes after Grok told me the DMV would open.

Upon arrival, I noticed around 15 people waiting in line. I thought, “Why are they outside waiting in line?” I got in line and discovered that it didn’t actually open until 9:30am. Thanks Grok. Waiting in line for about 45 minutes, another 15 or so people got in line behind me.

About 5 minutes before the doors were set to open, a DMV employee popped his head out and said, “If you don’t have an appointment, you won’t be allowed to enter the building.” I thought to myself, “Why would we all be standing in line for close to an hour, and probably longer for some of the people, if we had appointments, and why didn’t someone say something earlier?” It’s like 30 people waiting at a bus stop for a bus that isn’t going to come and not saying anything about it. He couldn’t tell us 10 minutes earlier, or 30 minutes? Seriously, what is wrong with these people? By the way, the website says that appointments are recommended, not required, so maybe make the policy change on your website first before you start enforcing it in person.

After he made this statement that caught everyone off guard and wondering what to do, an older woman near the front of the line said to him, “I tried to make an appointment online and it wouldn’t accept my driver’s license number.” The DMV employee responded, “THEN YOU DID IT WRONG.”

Right after this rude comment by the DMV employee, another older gentleman who was further back in line said, “I tried too, and it wouldn’t work.” The DMV employee then said to this man in a very stern voice, “IF YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME AGAIN SIR, YOU WILL NOT ENTER THIS BUILDING.”

I was thinking, as I’m sure others were as well, “Is this really happening?” The older gentleman raised his voice just enough to be heard, nothing more. Quickly everyone figured out that this DMV is run by a bunch of Soup Nazis like the guy from the Seinfeld episode, and if we want to get our licenses, we better not do anything to offend these tin-pot dictators drunk on their mall cop-like power.

No one in line had an appointment. At this point, most of the people in line started to use their phones to scan the QR code on the window of the DMV office to set an appointment. I thought, “Great, I’ll have to come back in a couple of weeks, and my license might already be expired by then.”

At 9:28am I scanned the QR code and put my driver’s license number in. It said the next available appointment was at 9:30am, so I took it. “Are you kidding me, what’s with all the theatrics?” Two minutes later I got a text telling me they were ready for me. I walked towards the door, and as I was opening the door the same DMV employee that yelled at the older man yelled at me, “WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” Trying to stay calm and polite, so as to not receive a lifetime ban, I told him I received a text telling me they were ready for me, and I opened the door.

While opening the door, I received a phone call from the DMV as well. Literally 15 seconds after I received the text. I could see the phone call was coming from the DMV, but no one was on the other end. I kept saying, “Hello”, but nothing. Again, “What is the deal with this place?”

In all the confusion of receiving the text, being yelled at, having my hands full of documents needed to renew my license, and still being on the phone with no one on the other end, I wasn’t 100% sure what stall the text said to go to. I thought it was nine, so I went to stall nine.

At stall nine I told the person behind the counter that I wasn’t sure if this was the stall I was supposed to be in. He responded to me in a sarcastic tone, “How would you not know?” Taking a deep breath and not wanting to get thrown out by one of the Soup Nazis, I calmly said that I got a text, a phone call, and someone was talking to me all at the same time.

The man behind the counter said in an annoyed tone, “What is your name?” I said, “Erik Carlson.” He then said with an annoyed eyeroll, “What is your FULL name.” Again, not wanting to be thrown out I said, “Erik Carlson.” But inside I was thinking, “What is wrong with these people, I gave him my full name the first time?”

He told me I was in the correct place and asked me for my license. I informed him that I wanted to get an enhanced driver’s license and handed him two pieces of mail as well as my passport.

After taking what I handed him, he told me to put my back against the blue wall and to look into the camera. He then said, “Three, two, one, ok come back to the counter” I didn’t see a flash but went back to the counter nonetheless. As I was walking back to the counter the flash went off. I told him I thought the camera took the picture too late, and he motioned me back to retake the picture, again he was annoyed even though he was the one that told me to come back to the counter. This time I didn’t listen to him and waited for the flash. Seriously, what is wrong with these people?

At the counter he asked me to put my phone number into the keypad. There were three keypads, so I asked him which keypad. Visibly annoyed, he said, “The one on your right.” As though I was supposed to know which one he meant. I put in my phone number, and he then asked me to put in my email address. I asked him if I was to use the same keypad, and annoyed again by the question, he said, “No, the one on the left.”

I don’t get it; was I supposed to read his mind and know that I was to use a different keypad this time and why is he so annoyed?

I was about to lose it, but I didn’t want to get asked to leave, “No soup for you”, so I just sucked it up. I was being super nice and respectful, no sarcasm, no eye rolls, no visible annoyance. I didn’t want to do anything that would require needing to come back to this nuthouse again anytime soon.

What I really wanted to say to the guy behind the counter was,

Why are you such a miserable and angry person? I can’t read your mind to know which keypad I’m supposed to use. If you want me to know, maybe you should tell me. It’s not like we used one keypad for everything. In fact, we used three. It’s not that hard to say, ‘Punch in your phone number on the keypad to your right.’ Or, ‘Put in your email address on the keypad to your left’. Instead of getting annoyed, just tell me which one to use. Do you really need to be such a jerk? I wouldn’t be annoying you with questions if you simply communicated better. If you hate it here so much, then find another job. Don’t take it out on us. By the way, if you people behaved this way in the real world, and you didn’t work for a government agency, you would have all been fired long ago.

I was happy to get out of there without having to come back again, but WOW, these people are psychopaths, at least the two people I had to deal with. Government employees drunk on power, while being completely inept at doing their jobs. Able to keep their jobs without any threat of being fired as long as no human heads are found in their freezers at home and they don’t show up at work and start shooting people. A very low bar.

To the DMV employees I dealt with, “I’m sorry you are such miserable people, but no one deserves to be treated the way you treated me, and others.” Get over yourselves!

By the way, WE are the ones that pay your salaries.